happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
