Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
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you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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