Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
