I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
