i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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