I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
