I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
