Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Randomize
