There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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