Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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