He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
