Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
