the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
