Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
