I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
