Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
