Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
