Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
