i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
ok first of all what the fuck
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
