He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
