When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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