I CAN MOONWALK!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
