i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
