@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
