I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
