Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
