i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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