Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.