So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
