Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
