We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Someone came in the potted fern
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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