Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
