Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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