also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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