Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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