Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
