Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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