my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
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I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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