I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I am midnight drunk by noon
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
