Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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