When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
