just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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