Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
