One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
