If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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