Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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