I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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