A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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