So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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