The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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