I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
