On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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