I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize