His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
