if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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